I’m a healer; I work with individuals and couples. 70% of the time I end up talking to clients about their sex lives, what’s blocking their sexual needs, why they’re not getting the sex they want, why they can’t relax during sex and most of all why their partner does not want to have sex with them.
I tell them this story to make them understand before we look at it in more depth.
A couple were recommended to come see me. They were desperate for help with their relationship, they love each other, do not want to break up, but she has developed a total rejection and repulsion towards him when he wants sexual intimacy, this has now turned into almost constant repulsion towards him.
His side of this story seems quite simple, he says: “ I love you, you are my wife, you turn me on, this is a good thing. I want you.” To him this is what a man should do with a wife. He should desire her and want her and she should want to have sex with him. He cannot work out why she does not want him. He is showing his love and lust for her, why does she reject him? He admitted that when this rejection started he was hurt, but decided to push harder for connection with her. Which in turn seemed to push her away further, this left him more sexually frustrated and in more lust for her and now they are here with me one step away from divorce and he cannot work out why she does not want him anymore.
Her side of the story was full of uncertainty. She just felt repulsion towards him and she does not know when or why it started. She admitted that is had taken a few years to build up to this point but she no longer felt sexually safe in the relationship. To her it felt like every contact was a way of him trying to manipulate sexual intimacy out of her. She was constantly walking on egg-shells and felt bad because she does love him and does not want to split up, but she cannot see a way out of this repulsion. She also commented on those infrequent moments they still have when they work well together, she sees them as few and far between but she craves them. She wants the connection with him, but at the same time is repulsed by him, and as you can guess totally confused by it all.
Here is how I explained what is happening for them:
I said to him: “You are not taking responsibility for your sexuality, you have learned that when you get turned on its your partners job to deal with it. It’s like a little child who falls over and cuts their finger and goes to mommy to get a plaster. An adult will go find the plaster themselves.” I asked him: “Why is it your wife’s responsibility to deal with your arousal? Its not her arousal it’s your arousal its inside of you, what’s it got to do with her?”
I explained that it is not his fault that he does not know how to take responsibility for his arousal, our society has programmed into us that when you got ‘the horn’ you should find someone else to deal with it. I believe this contributes to the amount of sexual attacks that happen in our world.
They had told me they both work from home, he starts earlier than she does and hence when she goes for a shower and walks past his office to the shower and back to the bedroom he sees her. The knowing that she is going to shower turns him on. He agreed.
I explained further to them, so when she is in the shower his lust is oozing out of his body and flowing directly towards her, his energy is blaming her for turning him on and expecting her to come and sort it out, (I have cut my finger, now its your job and you must put a plaster on it).
On her way back from the shower he is waiting for her to come past he calls her or says something to her or even just thinks about what his unchecked, uncontrolled desire needs from her. And that sexual responsibility energy pushes at her, sort me out, take responsibility for my lust, you are the one that caused it you have to deal with it. What she feels is pressure, pressure for being who she is and feels blamed and belittled for not dealing with his lack of responsibility for his arousal.
His face was quite enlightened when I told him this. He had never realised what his lust could be doing to his partner.
I suggested that he experimented with a new way of dealing with his arousal energy and I explained:
As his wife goes past to the shower and he feels his arousal awaken, I asked him to rather focus on how that arousal feels in side his body, to sit with it, to be in it and to own it, to let it grow and bulge from his core but to keep it there, hold it there just like a big male lion owning his power. Hold your sexual arousal as a sexual power, keeping it in his body for him to enjoy for himself. Sit and enjoy it for a few minutes. Then still allowing the power to be their go back to focusing on his work while basking in the afterglow of his sexual power.
I explained that what might happen when he gets used to holding his power is this:
His wife finishes her shower and on the way back to the bedroom she bumps into the held energy of sexual power that is just pulsing in the house. It’s not directed at her and she might not even notice it at first, but it will trigger her. She goes and gets dressed and as she dresses she starts to feel her own arousal that had been triggered earlier. She might notice it and also sits in the power, enjoying how it feels to her.
As the day goes on, two sexually responsible adults are going about their business holding their own power. Not expecting someone else to take responsibility for it.
At lunch time they happen to both end up in the kitchen, both experience still in the after glow of their individual arousals.at some points their eyes meet, and instantly an organic pull from two held individual arousals crash into each other and a lusty powerful organic orgasmic sex has no choice but to engage through them.
I re-iterated to them. It is not anyone else’s responsibility to deal with your arousal. If you spend time sitting in your arousal and enjoying that power you will find yourself empowered and less needy.
I am pleased to say this couple are still together and they are far better in their intimacy. No one else is responsible for putting any plasters on anyone else’s cuts.
Are you taking responsibility for your own sexual arousal? If you are not, try just owning it. When you find yourself aroused just sit there and enjoy that sexual feeling let it empower you, just for you. See how long it can be held in your body with out it owning you and making you needy. If you can own your sexual arousal you become the master of your own lust and become far more empowered in your life.